Finding Yourself
by sodapopfan26
Summary: Ponyboy puts himself through guilt since Dally & Johnny died. He starts getting really bad nightmares, gets bad grades, and gets into drugs. His fighting with Dally gets worse enough to get him sent to Mt. Horizon.Crossover between HigherGroundOutsiders.
1. Author's Note

Author Note : Hey everyone this is Sodafan-2603, author of Change and The Outsiders: The Greasers. I've been thinking about this story for awhile, and I think this can be a good one. I will not stop working on Change, I'll probably just put one chapter every two weeks cause I really want to finish Change. I know I haven't updated The Outsiders: The Greasers in a long time, and I will be getting back to that soon!!Promise!! Well this story is connection with The Outsiders and the TV show Higher Ground. If some of you guys don't know what Higher Ground is, it is a show about teens going to a special school called Mount Horizon. Teens go there when the have problems with drugs or behavior. Just to give you an example theres one character name Scott ( talking about the TV Show) he was molested by his step-mom and turned to drugs and had problems at school and such, so he ended up at Mt.Horizon where hopefully he could get help. Other teens had problems like cutting themselves and such. Well anyway hopefully you guys know about Mt.Horizon now!!LOL!!Well anyway I will be using the same characters from the show, but I will add Ponyboy, Sodapop and the rest of the gang. Ponyboy is the one going to Mt.Horizon. well I don't know what else to say. Oh yeah also there is a certain group with the main characters in it. Its called Cliffhangers. So Cliffhangers is the name of the group Ponyboy is joining at the school. They also have certain things they do in a group like they pass something around and the say whats on there mind or something. Also if someone does something bad at Mt.Horizon they get on a punishment called Shuns. They either have kitchen duty or have to keep a journal and write something what happened to them everyday. Ok I think that's enough information!!Hehe!! Anyway I will put the first chapter up soon!! Please stay tuned!!! Remember to review, PLEASE!!!! 


	2. The Beginning

A/N: None of these characters belong to me. The Cliffhangers belong to the Higher Ground creator, the Outsiders gang belongs to SE Hinton. This is going to be from different POVs again!! Please Review!! I don't like that title " Finding Yourself" Do you guys think I should keep it, or should change it? I would also like any title ideas from you guys!!Thanks!!  
  
Finding Yourself  
  
Chapter 1 - The Beggining  
  
** Sodapop's POV**  
  
"I'm not going!!" Pony yelled and slammed the door.  
  
" Yes you are Ponyboy, I don't know what to do with you anymore!! You going there will help you ok!! Just please....." Darry said. I know Darry couldn't take anymore of this. I could barely take it anymore. Ponyboy has been not the same since Dally and Johnny died. Its been 2 months now. Ponyboy's attitude has been changing, his grades are dropping,and I even found drugs in his bookbag.  
  
" Fuck off!! I'm not going to some ass school for kids with parent problems,and kids who get abused!! I don't have parents!!I don't have a god damn fucking problem!!!" Ponyboy yelled. That sure did sent Darry off. I felt hot tears in my eyes. I hate when one of us admits that we have no parents, it's not a usually thing, but what Ponyboy said was not like him at all.  
  
" It's not just for kids with parent problems!!! It's for kids with drug and behavior problems Ponyboy!! And that's what you have!! So I don't want to hear one more fucking thing about this, your going that's it!!! It might be the worst couple of months you ever had, but you earned it!!!!!"  
  
" I don't have to listen to you!! Your not my fucking father!!!!" Darry looked like he was about to kill someone. He kicked the door and stormed out the house. I heard the car start up. Where was the no fighting promise they made me? Where was Ponyboy? I heard things beening thrown around the room. I got up and knocked on the door.  
  
" Pony?" I said softly.  
  
" I'm not going Soda!! Just please talk to him, I don't want to go!!" He said. The tears started up again.  
  
" I know honey, but this will help you. It's just for a couple of months, well visit and all...." I said through the door. It sounded like Ponyboy was crying.  
  
" If you didn't want me, you should have told me.." I felt as if my heart was tearing apart. I didn't know what to do.  
  
" Ponyboy we have said-"  
  
" Fuck off." I heard him mumble. Just as I was about to say something that I knew would start a fight Steve walked in.  
  
" Yo Sodo,whats-" I hated when he said that, but ignore it. He saw tears in my eyes and stopped what he was about to say.  
  
" What's wrong?" He asked. I didn't say anything, I just sat on the sofa and stared in space not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do. 


	3. Driving

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews!!! Someone asked when does Higher Ground come on TV, It doesn't air in the USA ( I did, but doesn't anymore!!! I wish it still did!! But it airs in Canada on Saturdays, I don't know what channel though. Thanks again!!  
  
Chapter 2 - Driving  
  
** 3rd person's POV **  
  
Ponyboy tried to face the fact that he was going to a school in the middle of nowhere, being away from his family and friends. He kept telling himself that he hated Darry for making him go, but knew he was lying to himself. He did that a lot. He packed his stuff. He put at least 5 packs of cigarettes. He knew it was gonna be hard getting them at that school, hell they will probably make him quit. He took one of Soda's packs also. He knew he'll die if he ran out. He looked around his room, for the last time, well in awhile anyway. He forced himself not to cry. He knew he put himself in this situation, but he couldn't help it, really. He had so much guilt build inside of him.....  
  
" Ponyboy, come on!!" Darry yelled. Ponyboy grabbed his bag and headed out the door. He didn't look back, he knew it was gonna make him feel upset.  
  
" Do you got everything you need?" Darry asked. Pony ignored him.  
  
" Are you gonna talk to me Ponyboy?" Again there was a silence. Darry sighed and started the car. Sodapop was sitting next to Ponyboy. The rest of the guys were going to meet them at the airport. It was at least an hour by drive to the airport. Ponyboy hated car rides. He felt his eyes get heavy...  
  
A/N: Sorry this chapter is short, I have to think of the next chapter, he is going to have a nightmare, I cant think of what to put in it!! 


	4. Dreaming

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated lately. I finished Change!!!**Sniffs** Well anyway on with the story, and oh yeah half of the chapter is from The Outsider's book, in chapter 6. But I did add some other things and changed some other things.  
  
Chapter 3 - Dreaming  
  
** Pony's POV **  
  
** Dreaming **  
  
" Is that guy coming?" I yelled while walking through the burning church.  
  
" The window stopped him." Johnny said behind me.  
  
" Too scared?"  
  
" Naw......too fat"  
  
I didn't laugh. I was too scared I'll drown in the smoke. We stumbled through the church, trying to get through the roaring fire, and falling cinders and embers. We finally found the kids and began dropping them gently out a window. While we were still trying to get the last of the kids, Dally was standing outside the window yelling at us to get out of there. Pieces of the old roof began falling.  
  
" Get out!!" Johnny said while shoving we toward the window. I leaped out, but grabbed Johnny's hand trying to get him out. I about had Johnny out but someone was tugging him in the church. I tried to see what force was pulling Johnny inside. It was me. There was another Ponyboy in the church pulling on Johnny's jacket. I stared into my twin's eyes. They were filled with hate and anger. I tried to hold on Johnny's hand but the force inside was too strong.  
  
" Johnny, No!! Hold on!!" I yelled using my two hands now to try to get Johnny out of the church. My hands were wet from sweating from the heat. It was hard for me to hold on, even Johnny's hands were slipping. Everything seemed to be in slow motion while me and Johnny's hands slipped away from eachother. Johnny was pulled into the burning church by me. While I was trying to get him out also.  
  
" No!!!" I yelled while the church roof clasped.  
  
** End of Dream**  
  
" Johnny!!!" I woke up screaming. It was hard for me to breath.  
  
" Ponyboy what happened? Are you ok?" Sodapop asked me. I realized that I was still in the car. Darry and Sodapop were both staring at me. I looked away. I felt tears in my eyes but brushed them off immediately. I didn't want them to see my crying. I wanted to cry, to cry into Sodapop's arms. But I couldn't....I wouldn't. I wanted everyone to leave me alone. I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes visualizing my dream again. I felt cold but I was sweating real bad. I could hear Darry and Sodapop whispering to eachother.  
  
" I can hear you" I snapped. Sodapop and Darry didn't say anything for the rest of the car ride. I felt the need to go out and get high. To go get drunk with Tim and Co. But I remembered where I was heading. To some school called Mt. Horizon in Canada. In the middle of nowhere. 


	5. Goodbye

A/N: Thanks burnin' church gal, you reviewed a lot of my stories!! And you reviewed a lot in Change. Thanks soo much I really appreciate girl!! Hehe!! Well on with the story.........  
  
Chapter 4 - Good-bye  
  
** Darry's POV **  
  
I really didn't know what to say through the rest of the car ride. It scared me something awful with Ponyboy waking up screaming. I didn't want him to leave now. I really don't want him to leave at all, but I know this would do good. Ponyboy has something wrong with him, something that he doesn't want anyone else to know or find. He's trying to hide it and turned into something he is not.  
  
** Sodapop's POV **  
  
I watched Ponyboy the whole time he was sleeping. He began tossing and turning mumbling things. It scared me at first, I was going to wake him up but he finally woken up screaming Johnny's name. It scared me something awful. I wanted to know what he dreamt about. I wanted him to tell me what was wrong with him. I didn't want him to leave, I will miss him a lot. But I knew this was the best thing. He needed help and Darry said this school would do good. I sure hoped so.  
  
** Ponyboy's POV **  
  
We looked around the airport looking for Steve and Two-Bit. The plane was leaving in 30 minutes, and I did want to see them before I went. I wanted to smoke badly but we were in some non smoking section.  
  
" Yo guys!" We heard someone yell behind us. It was Two-Bit and Steve running toward us.  
  
" Thought you'll leave without saying bye uh?" Two-Bit said. I didn't say anything. There was a silence.  
  
" Um we got you something Ponyboy" Steve said. He took some little object out of his pocket and threw it at me. I caught it. It was a key chain that said I (L) Oklahoma. I let out a stiff laugh.  
  
" Yeah I swiped it from a little store in here....." Two-Bit said. I nodded my head. There was a silence again.  
  
" Well you better get going to your plane, it's about to leave." Darry said kind nervous. He wanted to get rid of me. He hated me. I hated him. He wants me out of his way. I was just a problem. Well he has his problems solve by him sending me to a school for messed up kids. I said good bye to Steve and Two-Bit and shook there hands goodbye.  
  
" You write us and call us if you have any problems ok?" Two-Bit said. He looked like he was going to cry. I nodded my head and turned facing Sodapop and Darry.  
  
" Bye" I said coldly barely looking at them, making my way toward the crowd walking out to there planes. I really wanted to turn around and yell " I want to come back, please don't make me go, I'll change" But I couldn't. I turned around and faced what was left of my friends and family.  
  
" Bye guys" I muttered to myself. 


	6. Meeting Peter

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, I've been busy working on my other story Differences. Thanks for all the reviews!!!  
  
Chapter 5 - Meeting Peter  
  
** Ponyboy's POV **  
  
I was sorta scared riding the plane. I never rode a plane before, but at the end it wasn't that bad. As I got off the plane I looked around. Darry mention that I was suppose to meet some guy name Peter. I didn't know what he looked like, and the heck I was suppose to know it was the right guy. I got my things and sat on a bench lighting a cig. I thought about ditching this guy and heading to that school by myself but I saw a guy with brown hair, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt coming toward me. I didn't know what these guys were like in Canada so I put my hand in my pocket, feeling my blade. I wasn't going to take any chances.  
  
" Are you Ponyboy Curtis?" this guy asked. I didn't know what to say, but for him to know some hoodlum's name that lived in Oklahoma, he must have been that Peter dude.  
  
" Yes" I said. He took out his hand, offering a shake put I didn't take it, I just glared.  
  
" I'm Peter Scarbrow. I'm the head of Mt. Horizon." He said. I didn't say anything and just got up waiting for him to show me were to go. He didn't seem surprised, he must have got these kind of gestures before from kids like me. Suddenly Peter took the cigarette out of my mouth.  
  
" Hey" I protested. He put in on the ground and grinded it with the heel of his shoe.  
  
" No smoking in Mt. Horizon" he said simply. I knew it. They can't make me quit. I would die without a day without one smoke. I narrowed my eyes at him. I knew I would already hate him.We made our way through the crowd. I felt alone. I was away from my friends, and family. I didn't know who these people were and I wanted to ran away or go back home. I wished Darry didn't make me go, I don't think I could ever forgive him for making me go to this school. We stopped at a ride truck.  
  
" Put your things in the back" he said politely while opening the door the car. I threw my bags in the back and went the passengers door. I opened it and climbed my way in. It was a pretty big truck. I noticed that some kid was in the back of the truck. He was the size of Johnny and but looked younger. He had a beanie hat on, but I could see some black hair sticking out. He was pale,skinny, and had his ears pierced. I didn't want to stare at him so I turned my attention to the window. All I could see was trees and dirt. I was right, I'm in the middle of nowhere. 


	7. My Fault

A/N ~ Some of this chapter might be confusing cause it is from J.C.'s POV. Ok here are some notes, J.C. hates his uncle and aunt. The only time his uncle noticed him was when he beaten up JC, JC is a cutter but not a strong one, he usually gives away the pain by drugs and getting into gang fights. Some of his gang buddy names are Antonio, Pep,T.J., Skit, and Guy. JC hates his brother, your find a secret about his bro later!!His bro's name is Shawn but everyone knows him and calls him Dawg, yes that is a name that everyone calls him lol!! Well on with the story.and don't think this story is jus about JC, we cant forget about the reason why I wrote this, for the love of the Outsiders!!! hehe  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 6 - My Fault  
  
** J.C.'s POV **  
  
" Good, I'm not gonna be the only newbie." I thought to myself.  
  
The kid looked to be my age. Peter started to tell use the rules about Horizon. I didn't care about that shit. I was half listening anyway, I wasn't gonna stay here anyway. I'm gonna pack back my things soon and hitch hike out of here back to California and live with the gang. I wasn't going to live back with my shity uncle and aunt. They were the ones who agreed that I should be here. I shouldn't have got caught. It was Skit's idea of breaking the windows of the church, It did sound like fun though. I think someone squealed us out. Lucky Skit got juvy for awhile, but I was sent here. I'm gonna beat the shit out of Skit when I get a hold of him again, I thought I saw him laugh at me in the court room when they pronounced I was going to Mt.Horizon. Skit is died....  
  
" .........searching your bags" I heard Peter say. I jumped up suddenly, but he didn't notice. I have my blade, my cig's in my bag, my other drugs and I knew he'll take them away. I will have to get it by him some how!! I would do it now but my fuckin bags are in back.  
  
" Damnit" I muttered. Peter looked at me and gave me a warning look.  
  
" and no cussing" he said. I rolled my eyes and pulled my hat down lower covering half my eyes. The ride wasn't that long then I thought it was cause soon I saw a signed that said welcome to Mt. Horizon.  
  
*** Ponyboy's POV ***  
  
Did he say that he was gonna check my bag!!! I had my journal in it!! My other cig's!! I had to hid it from him somehow, If I don't have a cigarette within 4 days I'll just die!! There is not telling how long I will stay in this hell hole!! I had to run away, I had to get away from everyone!! I saw a sign that said " Welcome To Mt.Horizon " I felt disgusted, I didn't want to be here. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to be home, I wanted to be watching Mickey Mouse with Two-Bit.......I would do anything to have the way things back again. I felt as if everything was closing on me. I knew I had to get this guilt out of me, it is getting the best of me.  
  
" It's your fault......" I heard a voice in my head. I shook my head trying to get that voice out of my head. If I listened carefully it sounded like Johnny.......no maybe Dally. I stared out the window hearing the voice over and over in my head.  
  
" It is your fault Ponyboy Curtis......" I muttered.  
  
  
  
A/N: What did you guys think?? A little of JC and a little of Pony!! 


	8. New Character Bio

Thanks for all the reviews so far!!! You guys rock!! Sorry I haven't updated in awhile!! This isn't really a chapter, it is like a bio on a new character. I thought maybe I should give you some background on a new character. The boy that was in the car with Peter and Ponyboy. I own him, of course. He is gonna be a important character. Him and Ponyboy become good friends. Well here is the info.....  
  
Name: Jacob Christian ( but everyone calls him J.C. )  
  
Age: 13  
  
Hair Color: Black  
  
Eye Color: Blue  
  
Height: 5 ½ inches  
  
Weight: 95 pounds  
  
Lives: Los Angeles, California  
  
Parent(s): His parents Michelle and John were killed 5 years ago in a plane crash. His legally guardian is his Aunt & Uncle and older brother.  
  
What is his problem?:  
  
Jacob started to use drugs after his parents died. He hangs out with gang members, gets into fights, and gets suspended from school. He and his brother don't get along. And his Aunt & Uncle don't care about them. Sometimes Jacob stays in the streets with his druggie buddies and his uncle and aunt don't notice.  
  
A/N: Well this isn't all the info, I just thought maybe this is will help!! I'll put the new chapter up soon!!! 


	9. Thoughts

A/N: Thanks so much for all the reviews!! Burnin Church Gal you are the best, you reviewed all the Outsider's stories, thanks so much. Kella, thanks so much also. I love Higher Ground stories and also Outsider's stories also and I thought it'll be cool to put those two together!! I also read your story on Higher Ground. There great!! Keep up the great work!! SodasGurl you have always been one of my best reviewers!! You helped me a lot through from my first story!! Thanks Rina!! I can't forget about the other great reviewers thanks to, DeAnna, TimeTravvler, aims80, Karlei Shaynner, Sammie, and Roxy!! You guys are the best!!!  
  
Chapter 7 - Thoughts  
  
*** Sodapop's POV ***  
  
No one said anything on the car ride home. I guess no one knew what to say. It felt to me as if I lost another person I loved like I did with Johnny, Dally, Mom and Dad. Ponyboy changed and now he is far away in another state trying to help. I missed him already and hope he will come home soon. It hurt that he didn't even hug Darry and I good-bye. I wanted to feel him in my arms on last time.  
  
** Darry's POV **  
  
I guess Pony must have been too upset by not hugging me or Sodapop good- bye. I was more surprised he didn't hug Sodapop bye. I knew that must have hurt Sodapop something awful. I know Ponyboy is mad at me, I was suppose to take care of him, look out for him and I failed. He should be at home, reading like he always does or going to a movie but no he is on his way to a school for troubled kids. I winced at the thought of it. Ponyboy isn't a trouble kid. As I think back in the years he was a quiet kid, that cared a lot about his family, friends and school. He got good grades, stayed out of trouble but look where and what he is now. Ponyboy really didn't change after mom and dad's death. He was more quiet than usual, and I know he was hurting just as much as me and Sodapop but when Johnny and Dally died it was like he lost everything in the world, he did drugs. Drugs......that would be that last thing in my mind that would ever come toward Ponyboy's way. I remembered the past weeks I would find him passed out in the lot or our porch. It was a nightmare and I felt as if I didn't have control over him anymore, as if I lost him, as if it was my fault that Ponyboy turned this way. I was suppose to care for him, raise him but I failed.  
  
*** Two-Bit's POV ***  
  
I missed the kid already. He was my friend and it hurt a lot to see him hurt himself like he was with the drugs. I never even thought about drugs, never took it once. I was against it. I didn't want him to go, I thought the gang were the only people that can help him but It was hard to even talk to him now. Maybe going to that school with help Ponyboy and bring back the Ponyboy everyone loved.  
  
*** Steve's POV ***  
  
Sodapop didn't say anything on the way home. I was shocked that Ponyboy didn't hug him bye or even wave bye. He and Soda have always been close, also tagging along with me and Soda. Everyone knows I really don't like the kid, and it is the truth but it doesn't mean I don't care about him a lot. When I founded out that he was using drugs I was mad. How could that kid be so stupid? Now look were he put himself, at some school for stupid messed up kids.  
  
A/N: What did you guys think?? Please review!!! 


	10. My First Day

A/N: I'm soo sorry!! I know I haven't updated in a while!! I've been busy but I'm back!! Thanks for all the reviews so far you guys are the best!!  
  
Chapter 8 - My First Day  
  
** Ponyboy's POV**  
  
I lied on my new bed, in my new room. Well it really wasn't mine, I had to share it with 5 other guys. I already unpacked half of my things and didn't feel like packing the rest yet. I wanted to smoke but didn't know how I could without Peter or any other adults seeing me. Peter took half my packs, I was able to hid some from him in my pockets. I'll just die when I run out of them. Sure I try not to smoke, I knew it can kill you but I couldn't stop. I was sure an addict. Besides, smoking calms my nerves; keeps me relaxed. I started to get bored so I decided to start unpacking the rest of my things. I shoved things in my pack; my clothes not folded, threw my books in, and other common objects. As I was taking out some books I stopped dead still on one book. Gone With The Wind. I didn't remember putting that in my bag. I never finished reading the book and wasn't planning on to, I just kept it. I tried to give it away tons of times; it reminded me of too many things. But just something stopped me. I hated looking at it; it made me think of Johnny. My best friend, who I killed. I should have been the one to die..........  
  
" Ponyboy? You ok?" A voice said behind me. It was Peter. I dropped the book back in the bag.  
  
" Uh yeah I'm just fine" I said. Peter didn't seem to believe me.  
  
" Ok. Well when your done you can head to the cafeteria, Do you think you can find it? It is right across the girls dorm" I nodded my head.  
  
" Great. Then we have group, were you can meet the rest of the cliffhangers" I didn't say anything. I didn't care about anyone of these peoples. I didn't want to meet any of them. I closed my bag and decided to unpack my things later. Just then a couple of boys walked in the room.  
  
" Your stupid Auggie, I can't believe you did that!" Some boy with blonde hair said. They stopped their conversation and looked at me.  
  
" Hey, you must be one of the newbies" The boy with blonde hair said. I didn't say anything.  
  
" That's interesting" Auggie said sacarstic. " What's your name?"  
  
" Ponyboy" I said trying to sound tuff. The blonde hair kid and Auggie looked at eachother and started laughing out loud.  
  
" No serious man, your REAL name" I started to get mad. I hated when people mad fun of my name.  
  
" It is my REAL name!" I snapped. They started laughing again. I got off the bed.  
  
" Do you guys have a problem with my name?"  
  
" n......no man" Auggie said but was still laughing. I wasn't going to take there jokes, no one made fun of my name........I pushed Auggie into the door hard. It was silent.  
  
" Is there a problem with my name?" I asked again. He was older than me, I could tell but I knew I can take himon. I can take any of these people on. Auggie looked like he was trying to calm down his anger; balling up his fists tightly. That reminded me of Darry.  
  
" Auggie don't kill him on his first day" The blonde hair kid said. These people were already getting on my nerves. I had the urge to punch both of them.  
  
" Assholes............." I muttered while making my way through the door. 


	11. All Because Of Me

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews!! Yeah the blonde hair kid was Scott!! Tomorrow is Christmas Eve hooray!!!hehe!!I know this chapter didn't have to really have to do with anything. The next chapter will get into the story more!!I promise!! Well here we go on with the story.........!!!  
  
Chapter 9- All Because Of Me  
  
** Ponyboy's POV **  
  
I thought about going in the woods to smoke but I saw adults around watching kids. I'm sitting on the edge of the dock looking out into a rive or maybe it is a pond. Well it was really beautiful, I never saw any real rivers back in Tulsa. Heck I didn't see a river at all, not even a pond. I was really craving for a smoke and I know I can not last long. Damn it Darry why did you send me here??  
  
" Hey. Do you happen to have a lighter?" I heard a voice behind me that made me jump. It was the boy that was in the car. He had a cancer stick in his hand. I really didn't know if that kid wanted to get introuble or was just plain brave.  
  
" Yeah" I said while taking my lighter that Dally gave me a long time ago out of my pocket and throwing it to him.  
  
" Thanks" He mumbled while lighting his stick. He was dark like Johnny. He looked a lot like Johnny.......Don't think about Johnny......  
  
" You ok?" He asked. I nodded my head yes.  
  
" Your name Ponyboy?" He asked. He didn't seem like a messed up kid to me.  
  
" Yeah"  
  
" That's a cool name. I heard the Mr.Head guy saying your name to some other person" He took one last huff of his stick and threw it on the ground,grinded it with his shoe heel. I didn't want to make friends with anybody here, but he did seem cool to me. Reminded me somewhat of the guys back home.  
  
" What's your name?" I asked politely.  
  
" Jacob" He said,then added " but everyone calls me J.C." I didn't say anything, I didn't know what to say.  
  
" Same initials as Johnny.........." I thought.  
  
"........the rest of my things. Seeya around Ponyboy" I realized that J.C. was talking.  
  
" Seeya" I called back to him.  
  
I turned my attention back to the river. I wish I was home. I wish I wasn't here. I rather be home getting yelled at by Darry then being here; this strange place. This is the first time I've been away from home. Other then the country back in Oklahoma, where I went with my parents back then. I started thinking about all the things that really brought me here in Mt.Horizon. All the problems started when I lost mom and dad. Then Darry had to take care of me and Sodapop. He gave up his dreams of going to college, gave up mainly his life because of me and Sodapop. Sodapop dropped out of school to get more money in the house for Darry. They both taking care of me, making sure I don't get introuble and get good grades. Then Darry hit me, I went to the park with Johnny, he killed a soc cause that soc was drowning me. We ran away to a church, then the church caught on fire and we went to go save those kids. Did he have to? No, but I wanted to, so Johnny followed me, the roof clasped with Johnny still in there. He died because it was my fault. Then Dally died because he couldn't take Johnny dying. Johnny was the only thing he loved and I took that away from him. Dally got himself killed by the police........all because of me. I ended up turning into more of a hoodlum and started to do drugs. Darry freaked and sent me here..........why?........all because of me. 


	12. Never Wanting To Be Found

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. Well I got a lot of great reviews and as I was looking through the reviews I read the one where bella1878 wrote 5 inches?? For a review. At first I didn't know what she meant but then I looked on the chapter she wrote that for and I realized that for J.C.'s height I put 5 ½ inches when I meant to put 5 ½ ft. Thanks for showing me that mistake I wrote. So guys J.C. isn't the height of a pencil,LOL!! Well someone asked if I ever watched The Outsider's movie. Yea actually I did, like more than 40 times!! I am not kidding, I am like Outsider obsessed!! Well this is a long author note, well anyway thank you to all the wonderful people who reviewed Finding Yourself from the beginning to now!! Now on with the story..............  
  
Chapter 10 - Never Wanting To Be Found  
  
** J.C.'s POV **  
  
I didn't really unpack all my things, I wasn't going to stay here for long. I still had some drugs and a couple of joints; Peter didn't find everything. He did take my blade and if he thinks I am not ever going to get that back then he is fucking crazy. I pocket that blade from an ass on the riches's turf, that is my prize possession. I went into my sock draw and pulled out a bag of white powder; pot. I knew he'll probably search my sock draw later so I had to hide it somewhere else. I searched through places that I could possibly hide it but I didn't feel like it was safe in some of those places. I then searched a desk that was in the dorm. My eyes stopped on a small but not that small hole in the side of the desk.  
  
" Finally a hiding place" I muttered to myself. I rolled the bag of pot into a smaller form so it can fit in the hole more easier. Just as the bag was settled in the hole, the door of the dorm opened. It was Peter.  
  
" Hey, you finished unpacking?" Peter asked looking around.  
  
" Yeah" I said simply.  
  
" Well it is time to eat and then we have group. You think you can find the cafeteria by yourself?"  
  
" Yeah"  
  
" Ok. Do you know were Ponyboy is?"  
  
" Last time I saw him he was on the docks"  
  
" Ok thanks and don't be late eating ok?" Peter said while making his way out the door. I walked outside of the dorm after Peter.I looked around at what I guess you can say "my new surroundings" or "new home" Hell, this isn't home. My home is in California with my buddies, getting high, getting into rumbles, walking the streets at night mugging people...........I started walking to the cafeteria, trying to think of a plan in my head how I can escape Mt.Horizon.  
  
** Ponyboy's POV **  
  
I just stayed on the docks staring out into river. I looked around and saw that no counselors were around. I slowly got my pack of cigarettes out of my pocket. As I was taking a joint out avoice came behind me, that made me jump and drop the pack in the river.  
  
"Shit" I muttered to myself. I was about to go reach out and get it but I remember what made me drop it anyway.  
  
"Ponyboy are you ok?" It was Peter. I jumped up from my feet and acted cool as possible even though I wanted to scream on the top of lungs or the urge to punch someone.  
  
" Yeah, you just scared me" I was always a good liar.  
  
" Oh ok, well it is time to eat and then we have group. You can see some students going in there now, so I am pretty sure you won't have a problem finding it..............are you sure you are ok?"  
  
"Yes" I mumbled. He just shook his head and went toward the building. I turned around and looked in the river trying to see where my cigarettes landing. My eyes got a glance of something white. It was my cigarettes but half of it was already in the water.  
  
" Shit there goes one pack wasted" I mumbled while watching the rest of my cigarettes going slowly down the river. That is what I feel; my life slowly going down into a deep, dark place where no one or anything can find you............  
  
" I'm not going to be found............." I said to myself, walking to the cafeteria. 


	13. Long Time No See

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews!! You guys are the best!!  
  
Chapter 11 - Long Time No See  
  
** Ponyboy's POV **  
  
" So what are you here for?" Some boy with curly brown hair asked. I founded out later that his name was Ezra.  
  
" I don't think that is your business" I mumbled. Ezra didn't seem to be hurt by that comment, he just went on eating his food.  
  
" You'll tell people someday" I didn't know what he was talking about and I didn't care. I felt glares from people who were sitting around Auggie. I ignored them, I didn't care what people thought of me. I didn't feel like eating so I dumped my tray and made my way back to the docks. I still had 20 minutes before group.  
  
" Ponyboy Curtis?" I heard a familiar voice yell behind me. I turned around quickly. The person who called me looked surprised. He skidded toward me.  
  
" What the hell are you doing here Curtis?? Shouldn't you be in Tulsa with the rest of the greasers??" Never in my life did I feel so excited about seeing Curly Sheppard.  
  
" What the hell are you talking about Curly?? I thought you were in the cooler for a year??"  
  
" Those cops know me by now, I could tell they are tired of me and then this school came to be known in Tulsa somehow and they sent my ass here. This place is a living hell, I can tell you that Curtis. Well anyway I asked first Curtis, why the hell are you here?? Does Darry and Soda know you're here?"  
  
" Yeah they know, they were the ones you sent me here" I mumbled.  
  
" The wouldn't do that" Curly said as if he was actually asking a question.  
  
" Yeah well I have been hanging out with the Burly guys and around your brother for the past month.......and I don't know I guess I have turned into more of a hoodlum and Darry couldn't take it anymore, and he sent me here" Curly looked at the group of kids who were coming out of the cafeteria. It was about time for group.  
  
" I never thought that your brothers would do something like that......well anyway I have to go,some counseling shit. Seeya around Curtis" Curly said while walking away.  
  
" Seeya" I mumbled softly while walking toward the other direction. 


	14. Gang Talk

A/N: I am soo sorry that I haven't updated in a long time!! I have been busy!! Well anyway I am back and here is a all new chapter!!!  
  
Chapter 12- Gang Talk  
  
** J.C.'s POV **  
  
" Today I want to talk about gangs" Peter said.  
  
"Great we get to talk about hoodlums" The blonde hair boy said rolling his eyes.  
  
"Scott" Peter said in some kind of warning voice. It was quiet and Peter went on.  
  
"Gangs have been a major problem in the United States lately......" I felt my eyes wander to the ceiling. I didn't feel like hearing this shit. Gangs aren't bad, there not criminals. I think there more like family. You spend your whole time with them, the other guys look out for you, nothing my real so-called family would be like. I started thinking about the rumbles, beer blast parties, and those jus plain hanging out days with my gang.  
  
" Shit.........I'm already home sick" I muttered under my breath.  
  
"........have been in a gang or heard of any gangs around where you lived?" Peter was asking. Everyone raised there hands but Ponyboy and me. I wasn't going to tell these people my life story, which mainly goes around my gang. Peter gave me and Ponyboy a quick glance.  
  
" I know this one tough gang that lived in Los Angeles, I think there name was Dawg Co. or something. And there gang leader was supposedly the most tough hood out in California. There was always something about them or the other gang in the newspaper. I forgot what the other gang was called but those gangs were always causing shi-crap up in Los Angeles." Scott said. " Even though I did drugs and hanged around the wrong group of people I wasn't in a gang, I wouldn't be that stupid" I felt like going up to Scott and slugging him. That anger must have shown on my face.  
  
" J.C. do you have something to say about that?" Peter asked me.  
  
"I heard that some of guys in those gangs aren't that bad." I said to Scott.  
  
" Oh please" Scott said rolling his eyes "All they do for fun is beat up people, mug people, rape little kids, and get hauled in the station at least 4 times a week"  
  
" How do you know what they do when you never been in one before?"  
  
" Oh and you have?" I was quiet for awhile but let out a quick and sharp " no" I sat back down. I started getting visions in my head about some nights with my gang.........the nights I'll never forget.  
  
A/N: What did you think?? It might be a little bad cause I haven't wrote in a while!! The next chapter will be good!! Please review!! Oh yeah I am not really sure if Scott lived in Los Angeles but I think he was. 


	15. Dreams

A/N: Sorry that I haven't updated this story in a long time!! Please read and review!!  
  
Chapter 13- Flashbacks  
  
** J.C.'s POV **  
  
I didn't wait to get out of there after the group meeting. I went to the boy's dorm room and flopped on my bed, I was tired but I couldn't sleep. Instead I was haunted by the dream of my past.  
  
** Dreams***(This really came true, and this happen about 2 years ago)  
  
I was walking home from Bill's Place with a pounding headache and blurry vision. This was just one of my typical hangovers. I saw a figure come toward me. I wasn't sure who it was but I the fear inside me made me think it is either my Uncle or worst, Dawg.  
  
"Where the hell have you been??" You would think those words would be coming from my Uncle but it wasn't. It was Dawg. I tried to get my vision straight. I hated being like this around Dawg, I can't control what I do.  
  
" I was Billy's place" I said, not thinking straight and getting my words mixed up.  
  
" I heard you smashed T.Q.'s car windows today" Dawg said in one of his dangerous voices. That made me come half back.  
  
" What!! I didn't smash his windows!! I yelled which I knew I shouldn't have.  
  
"Well who the hell did then little bro?" A chill went down my spine. I hated when he called me his little brother.  
  
"It-" I wasn't going to rat out my bestfriend. Pep would end up getting killed by Dawg's gang. "What if I don't tell you?" I said in a shaking voice. Dawg came a step closer.  
  
" I thought you learned already to listen to me. To tell me what I want to know. You're my little brother, Jacob, and my playmate." He bent down to my height staring in my eyes. "Who smashed Q.T.'s windows?" he asked again. I could barely hear him, I was out at the words "playmate" So that is what he calls it? Calls beating up, drugging up, and raping a person a "playmate" I came back with the sound of the flicking sound of Dawg's blade switch.  
  
"Do you want another scar on your arm like the one I gave you a couple weeks ago little bro?" Dawg asked while examing my arm with the dark scar, grinning proudly of the scar he made. I gulped hard.  
  
"I'm not going to tell you" I said shaking with fear. Dawg stared into my eyes for awhile. I felt fear run through my whole body. Dawg got up, grabbed my arm and started dragging me into the dark allies.  
  
" I guess I am going to have fun tonight tonight" Dawg said with a smile on his face.......  
  
** End of Dream**  
  
"No!!!" I yelled jerking out of my dreams with sweat all over my pillow and still pouring down me. But for some weird reason I wasn't the only one. After a couple of seconds of waking up, Ponyboy woke up screaming and sweat all over him.  
  
A/N: next chapter will be about Ponyboy's dream. 


	16. Dark Allies

A/N: I am soo sorry that I haven't updated in a long time!! I have been so busy!! This chapter may be a little short but the next chapter after this will be longer. Thanks for all the reviews, please review if you haven't!! Thanks!!  
  
Chapter 14- Dark Allies  
  
** Ponyboy's POV **  
  
It was hard for me to go asleep. I longed for Sodapop to be lying next to me, putting his arm across me, making me feel safe. I wasn't anywhere near my home now. I began to think about the good ole days, with Johnny and Dally. The days where we use to go to the DX and mess around with chicks and sneak into drive-ins.............but then all of those things just lead me murdering Johnny and Dally. If I wasn't so stupid and ran away from home that night.......... I had to almost slap myself to stop thinking about it. I stared at the ceiling, trying to clear my mind. I pictured myself in my own bed again, even though it was dumb, I slowly felt my eyes get heavy......  
  
**Dream**  
  
It was like I was sitting in a white colored box. I was in this room with everything white, no windows, and I was sitting on a chair in the middle of the room.  
  
" Weird............" I thought to myself. I tried to move out of the chair but I couldn't. It felt as if there was invisible ropes tying me to the chair. Just then a figure appeared in front of me. It was Johnny.  
  
" Johnny" I whispered.  
  
"Hey Ponyboy" Johnny said back. It felt as if all of this was real.  
  
"This is a dream" I said out-loud.  
  
"That's right it is. I died remember" Johnny said casually. It was silent.  
  
"Ponyboy why did you change?" Johnny said, walking closer. It felt as if I was going to cry but tears didn't come down. Blood did. Blood was pouring down my eyes. I tried to jumped up from the chair and finally the ropes budged and sent me falling from the ground. I landed hard on another unfamiliar surface. I slowly raised my head and noticed this place wasn't so unfamiliar after all. It was near the movie house. Where I got jumped by those Socs. It seemed as if It was happening again. The Socs where already around me, cussing and giving me glares. I tried to back away but they had me pinned to the ground already. After being punched a few times I realize it wasn't a soc who was punching me. It was Dally. It felt as if everything was spinning around. Hearing the words out of Dally's mouth  
  
" You killed me"  
  
**End of Dream**  
  
"No!!" I yelled waking up with sweat all over me. Strangely I looked across from me and JC was the same.  
  
A/N: I haven't updated in awhile so this chapter is probably a little rusty and it might be a little confusing. 


	17. Morning

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews!!  
  
Chapter 15 - Morning  
  
** Ponyboy's POV **  
  
I didn't get much sleep after I awoken from my nightmare. I couldn't get the image of Dally out of my head. The words of "You killed me." echoed in my head over and over again. Everyone is a fucking fool to think I didn't kill them. Darry and Sodapop told me over and over again none of it was my fault, they've been lying the whole time. All of it is my fault. I closed my eyes, trying to get the words out of my head.  
  
" Are you ok, man?" It was JC. I then remembered how JC was awake and looked pretty upset when I woke from my nightmare.  
  
"Maybe he killed someone too." I thought. I looked at him and nodded my head slowly. We had to get up and get ready for breakfast and our next classes. While I walked out of the cabin I looked around the surroundings again. It was mostly woods. It can be easily running away..........  
  
" Hey Curtis!" I heard someone call me. I looked forward, Curly was running toward me.  
  
" Hey Curly." I said.  
  
"How was your first night?" He said with a grin. That grin looked so much like Dally's.  
  
" Uh it was o-ok." I said softly. Curly looked at me sort of confused.  
  
" So tell me what all I missed since we had that rally with the socs." He said giving a proud grin, thinking back to that one night.......the night I killed both of my friends. It was quiet. I didn't know what to say.  
  
" What the hell is wrong with you Ponyboy?" He asked.  
  
" Nothing much really happened." I said softly.  
  
" Oh ok. How is the gang?"  
  
"fine I guess" I muttered.  
  
" Dally ain't getting introuble lately?" Curly said chuckling a little. He didn't know........he didn't know Dally was dead.  
  
" Uh no Curly, Dally has been out of trouble for awhile." I mumbled. Before Curly could ask anything else a counselor blew his whistle.  
  
" Well I will see you around Curtis." Curly said while walking toward his group.  
  
A/N: Please review!! 


	18. Back At California

A/N: I'm back! It's summer and I will be writing more now. Sorry that I haven't updated in a LONG time but I have been really busy and getting introuble in school..lol. well I will probably be a little rusty on this chapter but I will soon pick up again. Please review, thanks for all the reviews I got for my last chapter and all.  
  
Chapter 16- Back At California  
  
** 3rd Person's POV**  
  
" Listen Mik, I understand that my little brother ripped you off with your stuff but it's not my problem, he is gone to some fucked up school in Canada. So just take your business somewhere else!" Dawg yelled,still tired and angry from the hoodlum waking him up in the middle of the night.  
  
" Yes it is your problem cause I am making it your problem. I am pretty sure you have the right stuff to give me, I gave that little shit 20 dollars for a pound of this shit and I find that I only get half of a pound with some fake substance with it! I either want the write size of it or my money back..." Mikkel said but Dawg stopped him.  
  
".alright, alright! Just wait right there and I will check his room." Dawg said slamming the door in Mikkel's face and running upstairs toward JC's room. Dawg started to throw around things, looking everyone for anymore drugs JC might have left in his room. Dawg was glad that his uncle and aunt weren't home. After a couple of minutes later Dawg found a bag with money. Dawg took 30 dollars from the bag and started walking toward the front door but first threw the rest of the money in the bag in his room.  
  
" Here is 30 dollars, this is all I can find." Dawg said quickly handing it to him so Mikkel would leave. Mikkel still looked pissed but finally walked away. " Yeah fuck you too." Dawg muttered under his breath. He went back to his room and started to take another look at the bag he found. There was a lot of 20 dollar bills in it but also pieces of paper. Dawg started to to read the first one he found.  
  
-JC, thanks for not telling dawg that I smashed q.t's windows. I was walking toward your house when I caught you and dawg talking. I'm sorry man. Well I just wanted to drop you this note real quick on your pocket since I am gonna be gone for awhile. I will tell you when I get back home where I was. Thanks again man, Pep *  
  
" So Pep was the one who smashed the windows, that little fucker told me later that is was Tony...that's it he is dead. I had to put up with a lot of shit since he left and now I found out that he fuckin lied to me..well see about that" Dawg said putting everything back in the bag. He got a bookbag from his closet and started to shove things that he needed on his "trip". He thought about leaving a note for his uncle and aunt but realized that they wouldn't even notice him gone. Dawg got into his beaten up mustang and started to drive to Canada.  
  
" Can't wait to see you little brother.." He muttered.  
  
A/N: What did you guys think, please review! 


	19. Thoughts 2

Chapter 17 ~ Thoughts  
  
***Ponyboy's POV***  
  
I've been here for a week now. It's hell. We have to go hiking and we also have chores. How did that make Darry and Sodapop think that this school is going to help? I almost got put on shuns because I got into a fuss with Auggie again. Last time I seen Curly was 3 days ago. I want to tell him that Dally's dead but I can't. In a couple days Darry and Sodapop are suppose to visit. Half of me want to see them but half of me don't. The only person in my group that I get along with is JC. One time I almost called him Johnny........ I think Peter is getting worried cause me and JC aren't what they say "opened-up" with them yet. Like hell we will. We aren't like these other son of a bitches at this school. Today were suppose to go to this 4 week long camp trip up in the mountains. I'm still not use to the big areas. If Two-Bit and Steve came to visit up here they'd flip on how big and slow things are up here. Every once in awhile I still have dreams of Johnny and Dally. Its seems to be getting worse. I already have to go through the pain of knowing I killed them but re-living it in my dreams and seeing them make me want to kill my own self. The thought of killing myself goes through my head everyday since I've been here. But the thought of Sodapop and them at home change my mom. I can't do that do to Sodapop and Darry. They already lost mom and dad. Even though I deserve to die I don't think I'm ready to hurt people I love again.  
  
*JC's POV*  
  
One word to sum up this school. Sucks. The people here are trippin on the way they act. It's like they actually trust Peter and them here. I was sent up here to so-called learn better behavior not learning different kind of trees. Is this camp or school? Something reminds me everyday about California. I miss my friends; I even miss the fights and stealing down there. Were suppose to go on this long camping trip today. Maybe I can make a plan to escape from there. Maybe Ponyboy would want to come. I want to get to California as soon as possible. The only thing I liked about this school is being away from my brother. But soon that will end. 


	20. note

wow its been a long time

I've been gettin a lot of reviews

so i decided that i was gonna start and try to update my stories

its gonna be hard to get back in the process but ima gonna do it.

thanks for yalls reviews.


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